Day 2

Still in the hospital. Ryan had three more seizures overnight. Now they are not allowing him to have the dilaudid because one of the rare side effects of dilaudid is seizures... Even though the seizures started at home when he hadn't had dilaudid in months. His pain hasn't been lower than a 7 since we got here.

So tired of seeing my love in pain.

Night at the hospital

Sitting at Ryan's bedside working on wedding invitations, Christmas gift brainstorming, Christmas dinner menu planning, living with the reality of loving someone with many serious health issues and trying to stay positive about it all... and then Facebook reminds me that Edie Carey is playing at WFMT tonight and I can stream the concert... Edie's voice and words are a balm on my aching heart and I feel like God is here with us through her...

Edie's music has been a soundtrack for my life since 1999 when I heard her at a NACA conference (thanks Greg Diekroeger.) I don't know how it's possible, but when I hear her sing, nothing seems too hard for me to handle.

And now she's playing my Ryan song! "Easy Now"!

Smile on my face.

Sunlight in my window 

Landing on my pillow 

Making me open my sleepy eyes 

You greet me with a smile on 

Kisses like I’ve been gone 

Pulling me closer to your side 

It’s easy, So easy, Easy now 

I used to get worked up 

Over the small stuff 

I would be up all night about it 

Now I can’t help laughing 

And you know the sad thing 

Is how I went so long without it 

It’s easy, So easy, Easy now  

All those years believing 

Love meant someone’s leaving 

All those years believing 

If it’s not hard, it’s not the real thing 

Look at this weather 

It’s only getting better 

Remember that winter when the lake froze 

Now I’m hoping in the high tide 

Floating in the twilight 

I can even do it with my eyes closed 

It’s easy, So easy, Easy now 

It’s easy 

Like breathing 

In and out 

All those years believing 

If it’s not hard, it’s not the real thing 

Photographer - Pro or not to Pro

Sorry it's been so long since I've posted! Things really ramp up at work during the holiday season and with my dear cousin's wedding and the extra stress at work, I haven't found myself with much down time. I'm squeezing this in right now because I have found that writing here relaxes me quite a bit! Take care of me time!

One of the decisions I continue to waver back and forth on, is the photographer. I LOVE looking at beautiful pictures on wedding blogs and seeing all the special details of the day. I feel inspired when I look at these pictures. I love the reminder that life can be really lovely, even when it's been a dismal day. However, those beautiful photos come from very talented photographers, and talented photographers come at a cost! I certainly do not begrudge them whatever fee they want to charge, I just know my budget and my limitations and a professional photographer is most likely not in the cards. What it comes down to is "How important to me is it that I have artistic, "blog worthy" photos from this event?" Are we the kind of people that will look at the pictures often? Or will they live in a photo album that is pulled out just a few times in our life. As long as there is one quality shot of husband and wife... isn't that all we really need? Can a friend with a good camera give me what I need?

I see these amazing weddings and I think about how beautiful our wedding will be and I panic... "If no one takes a picture of it, does it even count that it happened?!" I'm not talking the actual ceremony here, our life together will be the testament to that. I'm thinking of the dessert table, and my mom's wonderful food, the thoughtful and artful table decor that our wedding planner is creating, the handmade garlands, etc.

I've had a few friends go the "no-pro" route, and i've asked them. "So... do you like your wedding pictures?" The answer is usually "Eh, they are ok." Am I ok with that?

I really don't know and I am totally running out of time to decide!

Save The Dates sent!

Chicago mail is so unpredictable. Some times it can take weeks for go just a few miles, sometimes a day!

I put the postcards in the mail box near my office before work on Monday, and by Tuesday my Chicago friends had received them!

There is something very real about sending the Save The Dates. Everyone knows we are engaged and getting married, but people receiving something int he mail and contacting you to advise it has arrived and they have the date in their schedule... so real!

Very excited, and nervous and happy and blessed and...

:)

Venue!

I seriously think choosing a venue is the hardest part of the entire process.

I knew we would have a small wedding. Not 20 guest small, but around 50. Ryan hasn't kept in touch with a lot of people, and while I have a ton of aquaintences, I have fewer really close friends. Also, Ryan is really nervous about being in front of all these people and it seemed like unecessary torture to have a large group just for the sake of it! Also, since my parents are paying for the whole thing, a big wedding just isn't in the cards.

So how do you pick a venue... I started with what are things that we both like:
the outdoors
being stubbornly different
small towns

We thought about a destination wedding in someplace like Montana or Colorado since I love the mountains so much, but Ryan's family is all in Chicago and we'd would have had to help finance their travel, which we don't really have the money for.

We looked at some of the less common Milwaukee and Chicago venues, and either they were just too urban, too expensive, or simply not "us."

I'm not sure I remember how I found Horticultural Hall. Oh I remember! A friend of mine had her wedding up in Michigan and they rented a big house for the week and just had the wedding on the grounds of the house. It seemed SO perfect. They had tacos for dinner, sat around a camp fire, I loved it! I started thinking we could do something like that... somewhere not too far from both Milwaukee (my hometown) and Chicago (Ryan's hometown.) When I was looking for vacation rentals in the area I Googled something like Lake Geneva wedding and this place popped up. It looked adorable and the cost was right up our alley. After MUCH debating and researching, excel spreadsheets with pros, cons and costs outlined, a few days of driving around to various venues that had come up in my searches, and in general freaking out about making the best choice,  the one that kept coming back to the top of my list was Horticultural Hall.

So cute!

It has a lovely courtyard.

Lots of light inside and those exposed beams that I just can't get enough of :)

That's my dad walking out to the courtyard from the main room...

from the Horticultural Hall website

Plenty of room, but not TOO big. Space for a small dance floor (a WHOLE other post on this lol) and all our guests with no crowding. Yipeee!

Plus the guy who runs it, is like 80+ years old and a hoot. He is really into train history, as is my dear Ryan, so they hit it off. I confirmed the date after only a minor hiccup and the venue is reserved.

Originally I wanted to have the ceremony at the Yerkes Observatory which is just a few miles outside of Lake Geneva. In addition to trains, Ryan is a NASA buff (yeah his interests are pretty dorky, but it just makes me love him that much more!) and Yerkes is a very important observatory. Check this place out.

So beautiful! There is this big manicured lawn leading up the steps and the beautiful door.

 I thought we could do the ceremony in the Rotunda (picture above.) But the rental cost for just a ceremony in this place is almost as much as the entire reception rental and we just couldn't rationalize it. Bummer!
Maybe we will crash the outside to take a few pictures there though!

Save The Date saga...

I took the file of our Save The Date to a printer that my friend recommended  She had used them for her wedding invitation and they really came through for her. They are located on Michigan Avenue, about 1 mile from my office. They did a proof on the paper I had provided, the lovely "luxe" cream paper from PaperSource. It looked kinda crummy. The texture of the paper meant that the printing looked a bit spotty. The ink didn't adhere uniformly. So I decided to go ahead and use their recommended paper. They also are cutting them to the correct size. (One of the advantages of having them professionally done!)

I picked them up yesterday, threw them in my purse, went on with my day. After looking at them more closely I realized the color wasn't what I expected. When I got home I compared them to the proof they gave me, and it totally doesn't match! I freaked out a bit. I asked a few other people if I was being silly, if the colors were ok, but most people noticed it and agreed that I should go back and ask them to fix it.

I went back up this afternoon, and they totally agreed it didn't look right and agreed to redo them. They will be done tomorrow and I'm going to ask them to messenger them since I am tired of traveling back and forth fro this place!

Then we can get started addressing them!

Us - Part II

Now comes the tough stuff!

One of the reasons Ryan was immediately able to spend so much time at my beck and call :) is that he doesn't have a job. 

Before his junior year of high school Ryan and his sister Grace had a Hepatitis B vaccination, as was required of all students attending Chicago public high schools. Something didn't set quite right for Ryan with his vaccination and he started having seizures and memory issues. After MANY years and MANY doctors Ryan was stabilized with anti-seizure medications. There was also a period where he suffered from dangerously low blood pressure and a period where he had serious allergic reactions to the mold in his high school (a very old building.) Ryan did not graduate from high school. In 2006, things started to level out a bit and Ryan took the GED. He studied his tush off for it and passed it on the first try without any GED prep courses or anything. My darling Ryan is very smart!

In late 2005 Ryan started having really bad low back pain. He was diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and has had many surgeries and many procedures to try and relieve the pain. He has done tons of physical therapy, pain programs at rehabilitation centers, he lost a ton of weight (which he has since put back on, whoops! :) ) and has had all sorts of non-surgical procedures. Since we started dating in December 2009 he has had two micro-discectomies and three spinal fusions. He has also been hospitalized for c.diff (a intestinal bacterial infelicitous he caught while in the hospital ) I've ridden in an ambulance way more times than I like to think about and have perfected my patter with the intake folks at the ER. Ryan will always be in some pain. Chronic pain is pretty much impossible to understand if you don't actually have it yourself. I do not know what it feels like to live in Ryan's body and deal with what he deals with on a regular basis. I can only empathize.

Seeing someone you love in horrible pain and not being able to make it better is hard. Knowing that it will never completely go away, and that you are signing up for a life with lots of hospital visits and tentative "we'll see how you feel" plans, isn't easy. Many people have asked me if I really want this. Can I handle being in a relationship with someone who needs more care and can't do "normal" things? I would never lie and say it is easy. I had a few moments where I was like "but I like skiing so much, and he will never be able to go skiing with me" or, "what about the Peace Corps, you always said you might join the Peace Corps when you retired". In the end though, I love this person. I love this man. I love the way he loves me, and cares for me, and I love caring for him and making him happy. Also, just because HE can't do those things, doesn't mean I can never do them! There are no guarantees in life. Just because you marry a healthy man doesn't mean you are going to grow old with a healthy man. I really believe that I have found the best person for me. Who the heck knows what the future will bring. I can't tell you how I will feel in 10, or even 2 years. All I know is that if I am throwing my hat in this ring... this monogamous, committed, partnership for love circus... I want Ryan by my side. In sickness or in health. (Awwwwwww)

Also we both love camping.

Nightmares

I totally had a wedding nightmare last night, and the weirdest part is that it wasn't about MY wedding.

I dreamt that I was on some sort of school bus with a bunch of other people on our way to the Philadelphia area. We were a bit behind schedule and kept making stops to let off small groups of people at various locations. I was a bit anxious because it was the morning of Emily's wedding and I was on my way to my hair/make up appointment and didn't want to be late.

Of course I get there late. The other bridesmaids and Emily are wrapping up and about to leave and the salon agrees to fit me in quickly. They curl the hell out of my hair, and then throw on some make up, but I say "I think everyone else had a bit more of a glam look and this looks like every day make up." So the lady puts on red lipstick and some HUGE fake eyelashes. Oh, and a bunch of purple feathers in my hair (?).

At this point I am seriously late to the "bridal brunch" and my brother is texting me that he is on his way and can take me there (and give me my laptop which is for some reason in is car.) And I invite him to the bridal brunch, and then text Em that I invited Matt and she says "NO WAY, no boys allowed." sigh. So I have pissed of the bride, have to un-invite Matt and now I can't get my laptop (which for some reason is a huge priority.)

It was very tiring and I woke up pretty distraught.

Anyone else have any odd dreams lately?

Papergoods!

I've always been really envious of people who have a consistent look to all of their paper goods. The save the date, invite, programs, etc... all "go" together and complement each other AND are reflective of the event. LOVE IT.

Since one of the things Ryan and I have in common is our love of the outdoors, I found myself drawn to the work of Gwen Frostic. Gwen Frostic was a Michigan printmaker who did the most beautiful nature prints. We visited her studio on a family vacation when I was young and I always liked her work. As I've grown older I always have a set of her notecards in my stationary box. They have such a simple beauty. Anyways, I decided I wanted to use her work as inspiration for the invitations and stuff. I thought about just printing directly on notecards you can purchase from the online store, but it was a bit more limiting then I was comfortable with (paper quality isn't so great and it is difficult to print onto non standard size paper.)

I originally figured I would hire someone to design the invites. I do NOT consider myself a graphic designer and didn't want to spend hours and hours fussing with fonts and placements. I ended up doing it myself anyways. Mostly because I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to the look I am going for, and beacuse I wanted it to be truly original. I wanted to be as picky as I wanted about colors and the look without driving some poor person crazy, or racking up tons of money in editing after the original concept was done.

I'm still on the fence about printing on our home printer or having things printed. I am leaning towards bringing my own paper (from PaperSource) and having them printed at Staples or something like that. My printer is OK, but the color can be a bit streaky and inconsistent. Sure would be silly to spend weeks and weeks debating shades of green only to have them turn out yellowish on the printer by the 14th page!

I was looking at pocketfolds (I just love how convenient they are!) and totally fell for the woodgrain ones (below.) So as I design the Save The Date, I've been thinking about how the invitation will look in this pocketfold and how I can make sure to incorporate the woodgrain paper into other things.

www.cardsandpockets.com

Here is the Save The Date as of now... subject to change!

What do you think? Does it look simple, rustic and classy?

Guest List anxiety

We are gearing up to send Save The Dates. I am hoping to get them printed next week and then address them the following week. Here is my fear...

What if I've inadvertently left someone off! Once those Save The Dates go out, people know if they are invited or not. There is no going back!

I have all the family. I'm just afraid I will send the post cards out and run into someone, or have a conversation with someone and think "OH CRAP! We forgot ..." Maybe this post will buy me some pity. I can say "See! I was afraid this would happen, it's not that we don't love you, it's that I am lame and forget things sometimes."

Our list stands at just under 70, and there is a pretty hefty handful of people on the list that I am fairly certain won't be able to make it..

Also, I am already so sad that a few people that I really would love to have there... can't be there... I already changed my date to accommodate one of my bridesmaids. It was a tough decision, but I just couldn't have my wedding without her!

How do you resign yourself to be OK with important people not being there?

First time role: Bridesmaid

I am very honored and excited to be a bridesmaid, for the first time ever, in my cousin's wedding on November 24, 2012. I have wanted to be in a wedding for as long as I can remember, and while I have a lot of female friends, I have very few BEST friends. My cousin Emily is the first of my close friends to get hitched and I am thrilled to have been asked to stand up with her!

Emily has the most amazing "how I met my husband" story. Ranaan is a musician and she went to see his group perform with the Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra while she was in college. After the concert the band was signing autographs and Emily (with a fair amount of encouragement from her friend and now bridesmaid Cora) plucked up the courage to get in line and talk to him. Though she could hardly speak when they actually met, he was as smitten as her as she was with him, and he gave her his number right there and then! They started hanging out and the adventure began!

They've been dating for just about 5 years now which brings us to the beautiful temple they will be getting married in!

Rodeph Shalom in Philadelphia

This was also the site of their proposal!
The following is from their wedding page:

It was a beautiful Friday evening. Ranaan picked Emily up from work just like a normal day. We had made plans with Norma and Josh (Ranaan's parents) to go to Shabbat service together. The synagogue was buzzing with people (it was an especially large service). A little more than halfway through the service there is a moment for congregants to shared celebrations from the week. Many kids announced A's on tests', others shared new birth's in their family, all while the Rabbi made his way over to Ranaan. When everyone was all finished he passed the microphone to Ranaan. Ranaan began to talk about how much he loves Emily, and what a great person she is for him. He then asked her to marry him and Emily responded yes! (about 7 times).

Their reception will be at the National Museum of Jewish American History.

Aren't they adorable!!

OMG

My page has had 31 views!!!

That is all :)

Save The Date draft

This on cream paper. Post card style...

Furbabies

You may be curious why I have named this blog Furbabies. The blog is named after our adorable cats, our furry babies, Sam, Oscar and Monk. PICTURES!

Sam and Oscar

Monk's tail wrapped around Sam 

Monk, the baby of the family

Sam in his Christmas bow tie. He loves wearing clothes. Seriously.

Um HELLO ADORABLE

Save The Dates

Before I get on with "Us - Part II", let's talk Save The Dates (I refuse to use the acronym.)

I want to send them out ASAP, but my wedding planner said I don't need to do it until January. 

My wedding is May 4th, 2013... but I'm so anxious! Since our guest list is so small, everyone on the list is very important to me!

Also, do people respond to Save The Dates to let you know they will be unable to make it, if they know that far out? I'm thinking it may help with some of the "A" list "B" list stuff... which I also have questions about! How can you have a second wave of invitations when people take SO LONG to RSVP to things!

My cousin's wedding is in 4 weeks and there is still a hefty portion of people who haven't responded at all! (Crazy)

Thoughts?

-Carolyn

Us - Part I

So I think I'm going to write several entries about various parts of the wedding as a way of thinking out loud and seeing what comes to the surface as important when I actually have to type it rather than just babble about it. I am quite a talker, but writing slows me down. Makes me think. First off I want to think about my partner, this part of the wedding is non-negotiable :)

Ryan and I met nearly three years ago via OkCupid. I had tried several dating sites with only moderate success and obviously not the end result I was looking for. A couple of my recently married friends suggested OkCupid so I gave it a shot. I had only skimmed Ryan's profile... he sounded nice and funny but it was the holidays and I was super busy at work. One day at work when I needed a bit of brain rest, I shared my matches with my friend Tanya. We were browsing the most recent "winks" I had received and she thought Ryan looked funny and encouraged me to contact him.

Ryan and I were immediately comfortable together. He is funny and shy but totally at easy with who he is. I could tell right off that he was pretty smitten with me. He does NOT have a good poker face! Now I've been in a lot of relationships where I did all the work. I did all the reaching out, all the date panning, all the compromising, and I always felt like I was more invested in the relationship than the other person. Being with Ryan was day to the night I had always known! Here was this amazing sweet guy who wanted nothing more than to spend time with me and support me. He was always there, doing fun stuff or just sitting at home. He watched endless chick flicks with me and picked sequins off the floor from my various craft projects. He would bring flowers for no reason. I felt like I had been dehydrated for years and all this attention and affection was a tall glass of cool water.

Not long after we began dating I fell down some stairs at work and twisted my ankle pretty badly. I remember sitting there in the stairwell with my legs crumpled underneath me, panicking about how long it would take someone to find me, I was feeling very alone. Eventually I dragged myself to my office and called Ryan. He raced downtown to help me get home and completely took care of me. The love and concern he displayed in this situation was such a game changer for me. He cared for me more than he cared for himself. It was clear in his eyes that he would do anything to keep me from harm I had never felt so loved! I have experience this kind of deep love from my family, but it was so amazing to see it in a partner. I knew he was a keeper.

By the middle of January, after about 1 month of dating, we had exchanged "I Love You"s and I had a pretty good feeling that this was the guy I was going to marry.

The day we exchanged I Love Yous! (I did it in the Fern Room at the Lincoln Park Conservatory)

That seems like enough for now... Part II of this story will go into some of the hard stuff we have had to deal with.

Wedding overview

Welcome to my blog! I thought it would be fun to have a place where I can talk about wedding planning stuff as well as practice writing. It seems that all I write these days are emails, and I kinda miss putting together real sentences!

Let's jump right in!

We're actually pretty far along in our wedding planning at this point. Most of the "biggies" are done. We have a date, May 5, 2013. We have a venue for the ceremony and reception, www.horticulturalhall.com. My mom will be doing most of the food preparation and we will have a menu of simple, yummy foods. A friend is our wedding planner/coordinator www.laurafooteclark.com and I am very much looking forward to Laura's level head, killer instinct and amazing style as we navigate the wedding style waters. Oh, and I bought and ordered the dress. I love how I felt in it and I wish it would hurry up and come so I could kick Ryan out of the house and try it on!

Our budget is smaller than the average, but certainly not tiny. My parents are paying for the whole thing (aside from various little things I pick up here and there) as Ryan and I do not have any money saved and we want to just get this thing done! Our guest list will be on the smallish side. I'm thinking 50-60 people total. We're thinking an early afternoon ceremony and a lunch reception, though those details haven't exactly been ironed out yet.

My goal is to keep the wedding as simple and reflective of us as a couple as possible, while still fulfilling the dreams I've had for this day for as long as I can remember. Luckily I have a great partner, and that is the number one thing I always dreamed of. I have to keep reminding myself that the rest is just icing on the cake. It's just that I am a bit particular about the flavor, look and consistency of the icing! :)

I found the website apracticalwedding.com and weddingbee.com pretty early on and check them both several times a day for inspiration and reassurance that it will all be fine and that nothing is tragic!

This seems like a good place to end my first post. I plan to post about particular bits of the wedding, how we chose the venue, the dress, the food, decor, etc, as well as anything exciting or confusing that comes up along the way!

Carolyn